Not even numb

So I started the blog with the best of intentions.  I was planning on starting a solid bedtime routine and seeing how I felt and if there was any improvement.  I’m not sure exactly what the catalyst was that derailed me but I know I turned, again, to phone games.  I discovered Ark and have been playing compulsively.  I even went so far as to buy the PS4 version as well so I could play it with my kids.  It has actually had some positive sides, more connection with the kids and more active time with them.  It has also had many serious downsides.  Too much time on my phone and little else getting done.  I have been as far from aware as possible.  It has been hard to post as I think I feel like I should only be posting things that are positive or encouraging.  It feels like failure to post that I’m not doing anything positive, though perhaps the not posting at all is even worse.  I don’t feel much.  Nothing strongly positive but nothing strongly negative either and it is hard to write from a blah space.  Not even numb.  Numbness seems to imply an awareness of the lack of feeling.  Perhaps not present is the way to describe it?  Regardless I can tell I am in a downward spiral where I’m sleeping badly and eating badly which means I don’t have energy or motivation to pull out of it.  On a good note, the newest apple update has parental controls which limit time spent on phones and tablets.  I am going to use it and see if the external limit will help me get back on track.

Thoughts when awake too early

Humanity will end. That is not pessimism, it is fact. Complex species evolve away from their origins or go extinct. On a grander scale, even stars die. This is only tragic when we believe we are unique or distinct from the rest of the universe in some fundamental way. We are unique in how we interact with our environment, in the scope of our impact. We are unique in our ability to share ideas over space and time. We are not unique in our essence. We are apes, which are primates, which are mammals, which are animals. Even deeper, we are composed from the same limited set of elements that compose every animate and inanimate object that we can perceive. The system is awesome, and awful. It is humbling in its scope. From the Big Bang to the Taj Mahal. Creation and destruction are intertwined. Failures and chaos are inherent in the grandeur. The magnificence of our universe encompasses imperfection. The failure of systems is inherently part of how the universe works, it leaves space for new systems.

The failure of my own systems is only a tragedy if I forget my inherent sameness, my deep belonging to the universe. Only when I see myself as separate and unique is this a tragedy. I am an imperfect and passing manifestation of the magnificent working of the universe of which I am an inherent part. My body has not gone ‘wrong’ but is responding appropriately to the stimuli it receives with the systems it has. It is less painful to accept those responses for what they are than to struggle against them as ‘failures’ or ‘mistakes’. It is only if I believe that there is some fundamental human ‘perfection’ that I have failed to achieve that I become imperfect.

This does not mean giving up all agency but it means engaging with my body and health with curiosity and playfulness. With kindness. With gratitude for what goes well and compassion and curiosity for what doesn’t. It means accepting the limitations that appear fixed and not wasting energy railing against them or wishing things different. It means recognizing my value as part of the whole even if I do not have the energy or strength I often wish I had.

I will strive to appreciate the energy and strength I DO have in each moment I get.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

I have hit a point in my life where I know things have to change.  I have been living with chronic illness for many many years now and have been frustrated with slow diagnoses (much still undiagnosed) and not much hope for treatment or cures.  I have seen standard general practitioners, specialists, a functional medical doctor, and naturopaths.  Much of my efforts to date have been around food and trying to change what I eat.  This has been exhausting with sometimes decent but never stellar results.  I have found myself slipping farther and farther away from my own life by distracting myself with various types of media – tablet games, books, and netflix primarily as well as falling into bad habits that are making things worse.  I have been feeling sorry for myself!  I have been telling myself I’ll make real, better, changes when I feel better.  However, I am coming to accept that I may never feel better and am trying to recognize the ways in which I am well enough.  I am well enough to be present in my own life.  To make choices that serve me rather than just prevent me from experiencing the discomfort and/or fatigue that is almost always present.  I do have energy, even if not as much as I want, and I still get to choose where I spend it.

I have started this blog because I want to be more intentional.  I want to be accountable and have somewhere to sort out my thoughts and feelings as I move forward.  I believe health is not just a body thing but that it encompasses pretty much everything.  I am not exactly sure how this blog will shape up, but I might use it to track certain behaviours, to set goals, to process thoughts and feelings, to share insights I hope to have.  This blog is really mostly just for me but the idea that I am sharing my intentions will hopefully keep me more accountable.  If you happen to find this and get something out of it, then that is icing on the cake.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton